Lorne and the Grenade Launcher
by Onigami Nanashi
Summary: Just a bit of fun at Major Lorne's expense.  Inspired by the picture of Lorne missing with the grenade launcher in Duet.  Coauthored with JaymeShep.  Rated for language.


John sauntered into Elizabeth's office, as per her request, and nodded at the Major already seated in front of the expedition leader's desk. A large grey box sat on top of the desk and John mentally ran through what could fit in box.

"John, glad to see you made it." Elizabeth stood and laid a hand on the box. "We received a shipment of new equipment from Earth on the Daedalus last night. New weapons for your units," she said, nodding to both men, "and a bit of heavy artillery." She removed the lid to expose several factory new grenade launchers.

Lorne stood to get a better look at the weapons and John crossed the room quicker than Elizabeth thought possible. Each lifted one of the weapons out and quickly disassembled them. The woman quirked an eyebrow. "I take it you like them?"

Lorne looked up quickly. "They'll be very useful, ma'am."

John caressed the metal. "Yes."

Elizabeth sighed and tried to keep the amusement off her face. "Col. Sheppard, you're drooling. Over weapons that are not yours."

John looked up, horror on his face. "Not… mine?"

"No. They are for Maj. Lorne's unit. They do the majority of scouting sites and need more protection." Elizabeth nodded at the Major.

"Thank you ma'am." Lorne was quick to stand and salute.

"And why are we saluting Elizabeth this early in the morning?" Rodney stumbled in, clutching a mug of coffee to his chest.

"We don't get the new toys." John frowned and pouted.

"I'm sure, sir, that Dr. McKay here will find you something new for you to play with soon." Lorne replaced the launcher in the box.

Rodney choked on a mouthful of coffee and sent it sputtering across the room. John's eyes went wide and he turned several shades of red in succession.

"Or if Rodney can't find something for you to play with soon enough, it'll be ok, I'm sure you can play with my new toys if you'd like."

Rodney sputtered coffee at Lorne again.

Lorne looked between Elizabeth and John and Rodney, a confused look on his face. "I'm missing something aren't I?"

A new voice from the doorway had Rodney spinning around and nearly losing what coffee was left in his mug. "That they're fucking each other? Yeah."

Lorne eyed Ronon, glancing sideways at John and Rodney who had matching expressions of 'fuck, we're humped' on their faces.

Ronon just shrugged under the stares. "What? I listen to the Marines."

John continued to stare at Ronon, an incredulous look on his face.

Rodney stammered, "But...he...I...um..."

Elizabeth sat perfectly still.

"Well, there went 'don't ask, don't tell." John sighed and put his grenade launcher back into the box.

Lorne beat a hasty retreat once all the weapons were in his possession. "Well, sir... I'll take my leave and go get my unit acquainted with the new coughs weapons."

John choked and turned an alarming shade of red as Lorne replaced the lid and tried not to look at Elizabeth. Rodney flung himself into one of the chairs in front of her desk and beat his head on the wood.

"Is this some sort of esoteric Earth ritual I know nothing about?" Teyla asked from the doorway, next to Ronon.

John whirled and stared. "How many damned people can stand in that doorway and make comments without us knowing they're there?!"

Lorne slipped past the pair in the door and murmured to himself, "Well...guess I don't need to worry about him finding out about me and Radek." The Major gathered his unit and took the men and arms to an uninhabited planet.

"Alright guys. Pop quiz." Lorne smirked as his men groaned. "Just to see if you were paying attention."

"No pens, no paper. How's this going to work?"

Lorne rolled his eyes; just because his men were good Marines, they weren't always good people.

"Clifford, why must everything be difficult with you? Just shout it out. It's all stuff you should have learned in basic. The four rules?"

"Treat all weapons as if they were loaded."

"Never let the muzzle of a weapon point at anything you do not want to destroy or kill."

"Keep your finger straight and off the trigger."

"Be absolutely sure of your target and what is behind it."

The Marines rattled off the rules of firearm conduct in a more or less organized manner. As they did so, he hefted the launcher onto his shoulder and looked around to make sure all personnel were in front of him, out of the line of fire.

"Um… Sir…" Clifford spoke up hesitantly.

Lorne ignored the man and yelled. "Ear protection in!"

"Sir?" Clifford said intently.

Lorne glared. "Put your ear protection in Clifford."

The Major thumbed off the safety and slowly pulled the trigger.

An explosion sounded in the foliage behind him and the Marines ducked and reached for side arms in one cohesive group. All the Marines save Clifford.

"We're under attack!"

"Do you have visual contact on the hostiles?"

"No visual contact, do they have cloaking technology?"

"Sir!" Clifford yelled to make himself known over the din. "The grenade launcher was backwards."

Everyone stopped scrambling and stared between Clifford and their CO.

"I tried to tell you sir."

"Next time, more tell, less try." Lorne said tersely. "Back to the Gate everyone."

John snickered as the group made their way out of the Gateroom and to the mess hall. "So… Major. I heard you had a problem with your toy today."

Lorne glared at his CO. "At least my problem with my toy doesn't involve me not getting laid." He smirked and followed his men to the mess hall.

John called after him, "hey! I'll have you know I get laid right regularly!"

Lorne raised a hand in response and kept walking.


End file.
